After talking with a good friend of mine this weekend, I can't stop thinking about the value of marriage, versus the value we place, or don't place, on marriage in the 21st century.
In May 2001, the CDC released a survey reporting that 20% of all first marriages end in divorce by the 5th year of the marriage. It further reported 50% ended in divorce by year 20. Interestingly enough, these statistics were higher for people who married earlier (only 5% total when the women were at least 35 when they married).
For those of you who hate statistics, let's look at the performing profession. My friend, in the beginning of a new singing gig, said all of her friends there (who shall remain beyond nameless) who were married had already begun cheating on their spouses while away. Scary!? Then again, we all know someone, if not ourselves, who eats it all up at the checkout line when it's Jessica Simpson or Brad Pitt doing the divorcing or potential cheating.
With partnerships becoming as successful as marriages, if not more, and the rise of older, single women deciding to raise children alone, I have to assume most of this is the direct result of the same factors our teachers lectured us about since the 6th grade - sex and "peer pressure."
I joke around that I was married at such a young age (22) because I played the game of Life (you know the one with the pegs and the little cars that have to stop at the chapel) one too many times as a child. Seriously though, how many times have we heard our friends starting to notice all of their friends getting married or having babies? Somehow, our clocks tick, and we're afraid of what will happen to us if we don't find someone to give purpose to our lives soon. All of the unintended "peer pressure" aside, what ever happened to finding purpose in our own lives before committing ourselves to someone else's too?
As for the sex, perhaps I'm just bitter because my housemate, for the love of hot water, doomed me to the fate of having to take a very cold shower after an already freezing weekend in Cleveland. Despite my Christian beliefs and subsequent sacrifice of once waiting for marriage, I always have been a sensual person and never did like cold showers.
Although I married my ex-husband for many more reasons than simply pressure and sexual frustration, 22 years is a long time to wait and an incredibly good excuse to shorten an engagement to only 3 months. Married at 22 with little life experience, no sexual experience, and just barely more than a year to get to know my husband before marriage, one hardly wonders how I became a statistic.
Now that I'm single again, I find myself wondering about it all. I wish I were as enlightened, patient, and determined as my friend Trey, who married his wife Kristin after years of waiting against all odds, fully certain he had heard from God that they were intended for marriage to one another. But few of us hear from God that clearly, and even fewer really listen to him in the end. For those who can wait and do and have successful marriages, your life is truly a beautiful miracle.
Would I recommend it to your average person or even, dare I say your average person of faith? Not unless you can look at yourself and say you know yourself fully, and not unless you have known your intended long enough to say you've been patient enough to know them too.
The worst thing is watching someone you love follow the very same pattern of rushing into marriage because, like you, they have decided to wait for sex. When your own life example obviously wasn't enough to make any kind of impact, it's always good to pray for miracles, or at least a stronger person, if they end up on the wrong side of the 50% divorce tracks.
As for my profession, yes, it freaks me out to no end that entire companies of performers cheat on their spouses. As a 27-year old, divorced, classical student of performance, I suppose I can only work to know myself as fully as I possibly can, keep doing what I love in life, love what I believe, and hope for the best when it comes to love and life. Finally, I've realized - I'm human, and I'm still worth it. In fact, I always have been.
